Membicarakan Diri Sendiri #5: I'm The Villain, I'm The Witch, I'm The Dragon

There was part of my life where I imagine myself as Cinderella. Bawang Putih. Leung Li. Snow White. Semua karakter korban yang ada di cerita-cerita rakyat. Karena ya, simply aku merasa I did nothing tapi it feels like everyone around me which suppose to protect me malah jadi orang-orang yang "menyerang" aku. Jadi, gimana caranya aku tidak merasa aku adalah korban? I'm just a child. 9 y.o. Sesalah-salahnya aku, apasih kesalahanku? Aku bunuh orang? Aku nyiksa orang?

Hard pill to swallow, kesalahanku adalah aku mengecewakan orang-orang yang sekarang aku pengen tunjuk-tunjuk sambil marah-marah dan bilang, "Siapa suruh berharap sama anak kecil!"

I mean its 100% normal ketika seorang anak berharap dan berekspektasi pada orang yang lebih dewasa since mereka lebih punya pengalaman hidup (jarak kita hampir 28 tahun, bro, gurl!) dan harusnya lebih "dewasa" secara mental. But it's WEIRD, ketika orang dewasa berharap sama anak kecil yang bahkan belum baligh buat memenuhi harapan mereka yang ... normal sih, tapi what u expect from a c.h.i.l.d? Yang mereka tau soal hidup bahkan cuma, hidup = bernafas, mata terbuka, bisa diajak berinteraksi. They don't understand such a complex thing like hidup = jantung berdetak dalam rentang waktu tertentu, terjadi peredaran darah, iritabilita, makan, tidur, dan seribu ciri makhluk hidup lainnya yang disebutin di buku biologi.

Tapi, me, as a child, got blamed for something i didn't even know that it does exist: social standard. Mungkin ini alasan kenapa im so anti with the social standard template. I have committed to againts it for the rest of my life since the day 1 it ruined my life.

(tolong tulisan ku ini dibaca dengan intonasi marah-marah seperti Johanna Mason)

Ada fase kehidupan dimana kita merasa jadi korban. Lalu kita sedih dan bertanya-tanya "am i deserve to be treated like this?" "What i did wrong?" Terus kita sadar, "Oh, I didnt deserve it!" dan kita marah. Ketika kita marah tapi kita bingung harus marah ke siapa dan apa dan kenapa, kita akan jadi manusia bingung yang jalan kemana-mana dengan jubah "marah" kebesaran, menyerang semua orang. Karena kita bingung.

I'm not asking y all to normalize it, ya. I'm just saying, this is a stages we should understand. It's a normal respons, even some people project it in the wrong way. Instead of call it marah, what if we say it, it is, a GRIEF. Duka. Perasaan duka yang terlihat seperti marah. Karena kenyataannya "fase marah" adalah bagian dari perasaan duka. Ada teorinya kok.

Aku merasa berduka karena mengalami sesuatu yang i feel like i dont deserve it. It's normal to be mad and angry ketika kamu diperlakukan "tidak semestinya". Artinya kamu punya harga diri, self esteem. Self esteem itu bukan "harga" as a price, tapi ke gimana kamu "menghargai": mencintai, menghormati, melindungi, valued diri kamu. So anger is a very normal respons.

Tapi, waktu itu - dan mungkin sampai sekarang - aku masih kebingungan dengan apa yang aku rasakan, bahkan alasannya. Karena at some point of my life aku bahkan merasa marah, gundah, sedih, tanpa tau alasannya. Bukan PMS. Bukan hormon. Tapi i got some flashbacks. And i can tell you, it is terrified me. I cant sleep. I cant think. Im on my autopilot mode. Aku bahkan kadang ngga sadar. Aku bisa jalan ke suatu tempat tanpa sadar dan tanpa aku mau bcs my head sedang battle sama my memories. Just imagine you battling with you. So actually its a civil war, but inside your brain. And you, as the government of your body, couldn't do anything. All you can do is just, sit there, crying, hoping that the tide will subsides. Soon. You can see the buildings burnt, bodies of your people scattered everywhere. But all you can do is just, waiting and hoping. Because you have to keep the last energy you have to make everything better after the civil war ends.

(aku tau typing ku jelek - and maybe my grammar also)

Dan pada dasarnya ada titik di hidupku dimana kemarahanku aku proyeksikan ke semua orang yang "menyenggol" aku. Someone told me once that i seem like a "senggol, bacok" person. Well i couldnt agree more. Aku setuju im a senggol bacok person. I have to protect what's left of me. Dan di tengah fase luapan amarahku itu, i got labelled as "the villain" in everyone (only those who cant controll me anymore) story. Ada fase labelling itu membuat aku semakin marah, marah besar. Aku merasa kaya selama ini aku adalah creature yang dipasung dengan rantai besi untuk sesuatu yang i didnt know. Sesuatu yang mereka sebut as "for good" (but whose good?). Lalu one day, suddenly, aku sadar dan aku pengen lepas dari pasungan itu. Aku berontak, mengerahkan semua energiku buat bisa "lepas". Dan di saat itulah mereka menyebut aku "monster".

But who cares? Aku pengen lepas bukan untuk disebut malaikat juga. Tapi untuk memberhentikan kekangan yang mereka ciptakan ke aku. I just want to be free. Even if im a truly monster, what is the worst thing i could ever do? Killing? Not on my list but thanks for the idea, I guess.

Years by years, got labelled as a monster. They were running and screaming, telling everyone how bad i am, while im just walking and breathing some air (after throwing things to them in my process to be freed). Huh. Quoting from Jacks the Prince of Heart, "I'm the villain even in my own story", hell yeah, i can relate to him.

Perbedaanku sama Jacks adalah, aku menjadikan my background story sebagai pembenaran buat my madness. Tapi kalo Jacks, dia emang born to be evil, sih. At least di Caraval series. Karena di OUABH dia adalah 100% korban. But OUABH ngga ambil cerita from Jacks's POV so, it's not him telling everyone, but the story curse. Oke stop membahas novel fiksinya.

Tapi intinya adalah, bahkan dicerita hidupku sendiri (told by not me), im the one who hurt me and make my self getting hurted (idk if that word exist. i made it myself). Oh, how amazing is that?

Finally, setelah bertahun-tahun did nothing to prove anyone that "im not the bad guy", they finally realize that, yes. Im not the bad guy. Ask me how. But even you never ask me, i will tell you how. Because, they saw it by their self who the bad guy is (me laughing MUAHAHAHHA - evil laugh).  But certainly, im used at being the villain, the witch, even the dragon. It's okay, its good and it does make me feeling stronger by thinking i have the ability of hurting someone (and myself). 

I have accept the fact that sometimes, im the witch. Sometimes, im the dragon. It's not that bad to think and to accept that you are the witch when you realize the witch tend to choose to live in the mid of the forest, hiding from human, but still the human bothered her. So who is the problem here? I dont have to answer. Just use you braincells. And the dragon. They just look creepy. But they actually only trying to live in their own style: in the mountain, sometimes spout lavas from their mouth, burn forest, gardens, houses when life feels boring. And still, human feels threaten by them, thats why they hunt them. And that is, child, how we learned that dragon is a mythical creature monster.

So yeah, this is me. Have accept that, me, myself sometimes is the witch, the dragon, and the villain. Im not always good. I might be able to classified as a morally grey person (yes that what human supposed to be. if u r completely white maybe u r gandalf). This is the story, the origin of the I AM LORD VOLDEMORT (im kidding). 

Just a little reminder for y all, peeps,

And just for highlights for everyone who read this writings, im very okay being the villain, the witch, and the dragon. I know and fully conscious that im not always be the good one. Sometimes im the crazy, mean, evil one. But, im okay with that. Its not about "That's who i am" thingy coz, apparently, im still - and will always - try to evaluate my self, to always reflect on me, progressing to be a much better person. Always.

Who knows that one day i'll be the fairygod mother (not interested).

Goodbye to y all, from the witch and her dragon

*spouting lava to you as a muach*

*you die*